


words i never got to say

by dayevsphil



Series: dayevsphil commissions [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reconciliation, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dayevsphil/pseuds/dayevsphil
Summary: There are a lot of people that Dan would hate to run into at this wedding, but he'd forgotten to prepare for his old best friend being there.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: dayevsphil commissions [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682980
Comments: 16
Kudos: 136





	words i never got to say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [witchpersephone (newaddress1997)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/newaddress1997/gifts).



> for jasmine ♥ thank you so so much for supporting me in this and in all of my other projects, it means the world to me! i had such a great time writing this for you!
> 
> reblog on tumblr [here!](https://dayevsphil.tumblr.com/post/617134691340910592/words-i-never-got-to-say)

Dan has always thought that weddings were better in theory. He's a big fan of showy parties and dressing to the nines, but every time he finds himself crammed into an aisle that hadn't accounted for his long legs he remembers why he tries to get out of them more often than not. It's easy to dodge family functions at this point in his life - none of his immediate family lives within an hour's flight of his hometown anymore, and his extended family has never really been close - but it's harder to say no to people at work that he's trying to impress.

The only times Dan has actually enjoyed himself at weddings is when his friends are the ones tying the knot. Something about the atmosphere is always so much more relaxed, and the majority of the people there have already seen him at his most embarrassing. So when an invitation to Julia's wedding comes in the mail, Dan accepts without thinking twice. Sure, it's in his shitty hometown, but he thinks he'll be okay.

He hasn't actually seen Julia since they both went off to uni and he's never met her fiancée, but he follows them both on Instagram and feels pretty confident that the wedding is going to be gorgeous. He's also sure it'll be big enough that he'll be able to avoid anyone he doesn't want to see.

He's proven right about both things when he arrives at the indoor gardens and gets guided to a row of tastefully decorated benches by a man in a suit almost as nice as Dan's. He doesn't recognise the people he sits next to, which he considers a good thing. A lot of bad things have happened to him in this town's boundaries, and it's a lot easier to focus on people milling around to set up the final touches when he isn't distracted by how badly he wants to run away.

The ceremony manages to make Dan cry. Julia looks stunning, and her soon-to-be wife picks her up and spins her around when she reaches the end of the aisle. Dan isn't ugly sobbing or anything, but he's still wiping his eyes on a McQueen blazer because he'd thought a handkerchief would ruin his slim, streamlined look. Neither of the women cry while they beam at each other and promise their lives to one another, but Dan's eyes won't stop fucking leaking.

Someone behind him hands over a tissue when he sniffles a bit too loudly, and Dan turns to give them a sheepish smile of thanks. He freezes. The smile is still fixed on his face, but he's sure that it doesn't reach his eyes anymore.

He doesn't know why he didn't expect this. In the days leading up to the wedding, Dan had spent so much time thinking about all the people he'd hate to run into. Family members who'd stopped talking to him when he came out. Bullies who'd caused him nothing but misery. The ex-girlfriend that he never treated right.

For some reason, it had never occurred to him that Phil could be here.

Of course he's here. He'd been friends with Julia too. He and Dan had only ever had mutual friends back in the day, since Dan had been more or less attached to Phil's hip after Dan's family moved in down the street from Phil's. There had been a couple of years between them, but that hadn't seemed to matter much when Dan figured out how many video games he was allowed to play at Phil's house. Dan had met Julia when he went to secondary school, which was around the same time that the gap between he and Phil had started feeling more and more pointed. Phil had been filling out uni applications while Dan had been drinking with idiots in the park, and things all felt so much more complicated than they had when they were both kids.

Phil was probably still friends with Julia. Maybe he had been the whole time. It isn't like Dan would know. He'd stopped keeping up with Phil's life the moment that Phil told him they couldn't hang out anymore.

It happened the summer after Dan's first year of uni. Phil had given him an explanation, because he wasn't a monster, but Dan thought that the reason was stupid enough that it might as well have not existed at all. In his very firm opinion, Phil's boyfriend not liking Dan shouldn't have meant the end of a years-long friendship.

Now they're locking eyes for the first time in over five years, and Dan's heart has started pounding so hard that he can no longer hear the vows being exchanged. Phil's hair is short and a different colour than Dan had grown to expect, but his face is the same. He doesn't look surprised to see Dan the same way that Dan is shocked to his core, and Dan wonders if Phil had sat behind him intentionally. No, Phil just looks... sad. And older. And unbearably attractive.

Phil is the first one to look away, applauding along with everyone else when the brides start making their way back down the aisle. It takes Dan a couple seconds longer to tear his eyes away from the person he'd once considered his best friend.

\--

"What are you doing here?" Dan hisses.

Phil raises his eyebrows and takes a long sip from his purple cocktail before he says, "Julia invited me."

"I meant," says Dan, "what are you doing at my table?"

Dinner had been delicious and Dan had almost teared up again at the speeches and the first dance and all that hubbub, but now that there are a bunch of people on the dance floor he's been content to hang out in the corner with his own drink. Phil had pulled up one of the empty chairs next to Dan like he'd be welcome there, and if Dan were a cat his hair would be sticking straight up.

Maybe Dan wouldn't feel so defensive if Phil didn't look so good, but he hadn't seen Phil dressed up since they were awkward, gangly teenagers. The dark blue suit is well-fitted and Phil's shoes sparkle like a disco ball. They'd probably look tacky on someone else.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Dan finishes his drink in one long swallow and shrugs. "So talk."

It seems like Phil hadn't expected that. Dan wonders if he was expecting more of a fight or something, but honestly, Dan can't be bothered trying to put this off longer. If Phil has something to say to him, then he can say it.

"Er," says Phil, taken aback. "Here?"

"You have a better place in mind?" Dan asks. He has half a mind to make Phil stay exactly where they are, but if they leave the reception hall then Dan can get another drink at the bar on the way out. He's pretty sure that he's going to want to be most of the way to trashed for whatever it is that Phil is going to lay on him.

"Coatroom?" Phil suggests uncertainly. Dan is standing and on his way to the bar before Phil can suggest a second option.

Dan takes a shot at the bar and brings his new glass of wine out of the room. He doesn't bother checking over his shoulder to see if Phil is following - if Dan ends up in the coatroom alone, then that just means he can take his coat and his wine and call an Uber to come get him. Dan is almost disappointed when the door closes and he turns to see Phil leaning against it. His hands are backwards in his trouser pockets, his tie has stars on it, and he looks like he's biting his tongue.

The room is small and full of jackets, but Dan is more than content to sit on a carpeted floor when given the opportunity. He sinks to the ground, stretching his legs out for what feels like the first time all day, and meets Phil's eye again.

For a long moment, there's only silence. The music and laughter is muffled in here, and Dan can't help but feel some relief for the break from so many people all at once.

Then, Phil sighs. He leans more of his weight back onto the door and slides down it until he's sat opposite Dan. Their long legs knock together, just once.

"I've thought about doing this," says Phil. "Like, a lot. I thought about all the stuff I could say and how you might react. I was a single nervous breakdown away from practicing small talk and lead-ins in front of a mirror, honestly, but... I dunno. I think I should just tell you that I'm really sorry and that I'd do it differently if I had the chance."

Dan tries to keep his expression neutral, but he can't help the confused little noise that the combination of wine and liquor gets past his lips. "You're sorry?" he echoes, surprised and more than a little bewildered.

"I'm _really_ sorry," Phil corrects him with a sad little smile. His hand makes an aborted motion towards his face like he wants to fix glasses that he isn't wearing tonight. The single overhead light in here doesn't do Phil justice the way that the afternoon sun through the skylights had or the soft lights of the table had, but he still looks so pretty that it's distracting. "I shouldn't have told you that Tristan thought you were annoying."

"He didn't find me annoying?"

"No, he did," Phil laughs. "And you were. But the problem was a bit more complicated than that."

Dan waits, but Phil doesn't seem like he's going to share more without prompting. With a vague sort of hand gesture, Dan says, "Okay, so you didn't want to hang out with me anymore because...?"

"Because," Phil says, his smile turning sardonic, "I was starting to think you were unbelievably cute."

The wine glass almost tips right out of Dan's slack hand, but he saves it in time. He blinks owlishly at Phil and shakes his head, moreso in an attempt to clear his jumbled thoughts than to disagree with what Phil is saying.

"You thought I was cute," says Dan. "So you said we couldn't hang out."

"Not my smartest hour," Phil hums. He takes another sip of his cocktail and knocks his foot lightly against Dan's outer thigh. "But I really wanted things with Tristan to work, and he hated how close we were and - well. Like I said, I'd do it differently if I could."

"I'm guessing you're not together anymore," Dan says dryly.

Phil snorts. "Er, no. We broke up less than a month after we went back to school."

"So," Dan starts, and he's starting to regret the shot. His head feels a bit fuzzier than he wants it to for this. "You could have, like, texted me."

"You blocked my number," Phil says with a little shrug. "I kind of figured I deserved that. And it would be a dick move to try and get ahold of you if you didn't want to hear from me."

It's been a long time, but Dan had honestly forgotten that he ever blocked Phil's number. He supposes that it makes sense - he'd been ridiculously hurt, and the last thing he'd wanted was to get happy holiday texts from someone who he'd used to trust with his life. He gives Phil a small smile and tries to let go of some of that clinging bitterness. "Oh, right. That makes sense."

"But I don't want to go another five years without talking to you," Phil says in a rush, like if he gets the words out all at once then he can't overthink them. "Hell, I don't want to go another five minutes without talking to you. I miss you, Dan, and if you can forgive me for being stupid in uni, then I'd like to - I dunno. Hang out, I guess."

"I could hang out," says Dan. He's made enough mistakes in his own life to recognise real regret when he sees it. As much as he's going to be a bit upset about Phil's handling of the situation until he dies, probably, he can't pretend like he's thinking about anything except Phil saying _unbelievably cute_. He reaches out, settling his hand over one of Phil's exposed ankles, and gives him a cheeky sort of wink. "Could start tonight, if you like. Your room or mine?"

Phil laughs so hard that he wheezes, but it seems like it's more out of relief than anything else. He crawls across the small space to flop down next to Dan, and he presses his grin into Dan's jaw before he leans in for an actual kiss. Dan's pounding heart drowns out even the muffled sounds of the reception.

Maybe weddings are good in practice, too.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you again to jasmine for commissioning me on this, and thank you to chicken and jude for their unending patience with my weird sentence structure. love y'all!


End file.
